Connect and Redirect: Turn Your Child’s Temper Tantrum into a Learning Opportunity
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Connect and Redirect: Turn Your Child’s Temper Tantrum into a Learning Opportunity
When your child throws a tantrum, it can be a great time to strengthen their brain.
In this week's issue of Thrive, we will take a look at the "Connect and Redirect" strategy. According to Dr. Dan Siegal and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson, co-authors of the book, The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child's Developing Mind, the Connect and Redirect strategy can be an effective way to appeal to both sides of a child's brain - the emotional/right side and the logical/left side - so that their mind is in balance and they are in a better position to correct their behavior.
"When a child is upset, logic often won't work until we have responded to the right brain's emotional needs," Siegal wrote. "We call this emotional connection, 'attunement,' which is how we connect deeply with another person and allow them to 'feel felt.' This right-to-right attunement helps bring the brain into balance, or into a more integrated state. THEN you can begin to appeal to your child's left brain and address the specific issues or behavior."
Connect
In the Whole-Brain Child, Siegal gives an example that many parents might find familiar: One night, Bryson's 7-year-old son couldn't sleep and decided to unleash on his mother about a wide range of grievances, such as having too much homework, alleged preferential treatment towards his sibling, and his birthday not being for another 10 months. The complaints have no logical basis and the child is clearly overtaken by emotion. Realizing that her child was overtaken with emotion, Bryson knew that the wrong thing to do at that precise moment would be to immediately charge in with left-brain logic.
Saying something like, "That's nonsense! You have to do your homework, you just had a birthday two months ago, and your sibling doesn't get preferential treatment" would have been inherently argumentative and counter-productive because her son wasn't in a state of mind to think logically at that exact moment. Instead, Bryson hugged her son and told him that she loved him and her other child equally, and listened as he explained more about how he felt about homework and birthdays. In short, she "connected" with her son so that he felt heard. And once that connection was made, it was time to redirect.
Redirect
With her son calmed down, Bryson knew he would now be receptive to logic. She explained that because her other child was younger, he sometimes required more attention. She then convinced him that because it was late and past his bedtime, it would be best to tackle the other issues he had regarding birthdays and homework the next day. Satisfied with being heard and given a pathway towards resolution, Bryson's son went to bed. And the next day, they sat down and came up with ideas to make homework more fun and to make his next birthday more enjoyable.
Siegal and Bryson write: "with the whole-brain approach, we understand that it's generally a good idea to discuss misbehavior and its consequences after the child has calmed down, since moments of emotional flooding are not the best times for lessons to be learned. A child can be much more receptive once the left brain is working again, and discipline can therefore be much more effective. It's as if you are a lifeguard who swims out, puts your arms around your child, and helps him to shore before telling him not to swim out so far next time."
Balance
Another major benefit of the Connect and Redirect strategy is that it teaches the child "integration," which Siegal and Bryson describe as the two parts of the brain working together in a harmonious way. When we have our logic and emotions working for us, rather than against us, we achieve a balanced state of mind.
"In order to live balanced, meaningful, and creative lives full of connected relationships, it's crucial that our two hemispheres work together," Siegal and Bryson write, adding: "Using only the right or left brain would be like trying to swim using only one arm."